Have you ever gotten a flat on the way home from the bar and walked your bike home in shame? What about the time your chain fell off and stained your new white pants with black grease? Or when your lady friend, perched atop your handlebars, ate shit the second after you hit that crater sized pothole? At this point she probably isn’t answering your texts, and your relationship is likely beyond salvation. But with this handy guide, you should be able to perform simple repairs on your beloved bicycle, AKA the only lover you’ll ever need.
- Assemble your tools. You should have at least: a multitool, tire levers, tire air pump, and a six pack of your favorite beer (or whatever was on sale).
- Identify the problem. Hopefully it is fairly obvious; if not, test different parts of your bike until something is clearly not right. For example: flat tires will need a patch, air, or a new tube; failure to stop means something is off with the brakes, and mounting existential dread means you are human.
- Apply tools to problem. This may involve removing tires, fiddling with the chain, adjusting cables, or tightening/loosening bolts. This step typically involves elbow grease and grit. Do not panic if you don’t get it the first time. Learn to love yourself.
- Fire up YouTube. It is now your new best friend. With just a few carefully chosen keywords, you can access almost any video content this side of the Milky Way. Something along the lines of “bike repair”, followed by your issue, should get you close to what you need. Just try to not get distracted by cat videos or Let’s Plays.
- Try a second approach. Now that you have seen someone else doing the same repair, it should be easier this time around, right? Right?!
- Finish your six pack of beer. Crush the cans and tell yourself: you can at least do this. These cans are no match for your indomitable foot.
- Tell yourself “third time’s the charm”. No one ever got anywhere in life by being a quitter! At least not the college dropouts turned tech company CEOs, not the reality TV stars milking their five minutes of fame for all its worth. They were just lucky.
- Give up. Throw in the towel. Apply whatever euphemisms you want towards your failure. Accept that you are covered in bike grease and shame. Call your local bike shop, letting them know to expect you soon. Pick up a six pack of their favorite beer on the way there and repeat to yourself, over and over again: you tried your best, and that’s all that matters. In the end, everything will be okay.
Eunice Wang 